Little angel

 

There was a time when Sarah thought she had everything she could have in her life. Her childhood had been good, her parents had raised her well, making sure she had freedom, giving her anything she needed. However, they also made sure she would not be too spoiled, drawing the lines when needed. Her friendships had also helped to give her a great childhood. Friends come and go, but there were always those who stayed. Those who treated her kindly and were always there for her. There was nothing in her life that she could wish for.

Or so Sarah thought until she met her. Her little angel with her cute button nose and that smile that could brighten even her worst days. They had met by chance on a rainy night. It had been barely a glance, but she got instantly starstruck. She was beautiful, with her fur coat making her look so petite and fragile and her tightly grasped umbrella. She was looking around nervously, taping the floor softly with her feet to a rhythm only she could hear. When the girl looked Sarah's way, she stumbled on her path as her face reddened. The girl looked her way with amusement lighting her eyes and a slight smile adorning her lips. At that moment, she could have melted into a puddle.

After that first meeting, Sarah didn't think she would see her again and for the first time, she found herself wishing for something. She wished to see the girl once more, to get the chance to talk to her and maybe become friends. Although she would be happy with just a name.

To say she was shocked when she saw the same girl at the coffee shop she worked in would be an understatement.  She stumbled over her words as she took the girl’s order and her cheeks reddened when she heard her giggle. She wanted to ask for a name, introduce herself, but her words were stuck on her throat and she couldn't get them out. In the end, even after giving the girl her order, she couldn't get out any of the words she wanted. However, the girl surprised her once again, for she found a note on top of the counter. In the note, there was a number and a name written in neat calligraphy. Lilian. The girl had left her a name to call her by and a number. A chance to speak with her again. She could feel the warmth back in her cheeks. Such a beautiful name, Lilian, just like her. She pocketed the note. She was not allowed to use her phone at work, but as soon as she got out of her turn, she would send Lilian a text.

Only once she got home, phone in hand, she stopped to think. Her brain went through thousands of possibilities. She felt unsure. She didn't know if she should text Lilian. What if something went wrong?

“I’m not like this” she whispered to herself, looking at the unsent text, finger hovering over the send button “Why am I doubting myself so much? Why is she making me feel so different?”

She closed her eyes, breathing deeply. Without looking, she tapped the send button. She blocked the screen immediately after and set the phone aside, not wanting to know anything about it any time soon. She felt strange, off-put. It was weird for her to be so nervous about a simple text. She could feel the butterflies going wild in her stomach, how her skin tingled in excitement and she was filled with a restlessness that she didn't know where it came from. She didn't know if she liked the feeling or not.

For a moment, the word love passed through her mind. She immediately shook her head, sending that thought as far back in her mind as possible. It wasn’t love. It was impossible. The only thing she knew was a name. They hadn’t even had one proper conversation. No, she didn’t want to call it love. However, she couldn’t deny that there was something there. Or a hint at something. Something special. She didn’t know what that something was or why it was special, but the feeling was there, present in the back of her mind, insisting upon its presence as if it held all the answers, but keeping them away.

The first time they talked it was awkward. They didn't know exactly how to talk to each other or what to talk about. They didn't want to overstep any boundary and that made their conversations shallow, going around the topics to make sure of that. What were sensitive subjects? What would the other be passionate about?  Slowly, as they started to meet in person, they started to get to know all these things and soon they found out they just seemed to click. There was not a logical explanation. They hadn’t known each other for long, but it felt as if they had been best friends for years and knew everything about each other. It was just as strange as it was exciting. A feeling like no other, as if they were meant to complete each other.

As they got to know each other more, they also started hanging out more often. It felt natural to see each other daily, to speak constantly. Even when they were hanging out with their friends, the other would also come along.

“Are you dating or something?” Asked one of Sarah’s friends after having watched their behavior during the evening.

The two girls looked at each other for a moment. They were confused by the question as they had only been doing what felt more natural for them. Did they truly look like a couple?

“We are not dating” answered Sarah with a smile. Although as she answered, she could feel her chest tightening and her smile become more forced. For some reason, that answer had hurt her. She had only said the truth, so why had it hurt?

“Sure” Sais Sarah’s friend with a lifted eyebrow “Whatever you say.”

After that conversation, both stayed silent. There was something that they wanted to say. However, the day passed by as they tried to gather the strength to talk about it and in the end, they never managed to say those words. Parting ways like that had left Sarah unsatisfied as if she were making a mistake for letting Lilian go without talking about what had happened.

The next day, for the first time since those first days, they did not exchange any texts. At first, Sarah did try to talk with her, but Lilian ignored each and every text she would send, leaving her on read every time. Now she knew that she had indeed made a mistake for leaving without addressing the issue. Now she regretted not having followed her gut and having left without a word. With each hour, Sarah grew more upset. She wanted to talk with Lilia, even if it were only to say that they should forget about the conversation with her friend, or even if they didn’t talk about it at all, she didn’t care. She only wanted to talk with her friend. She would be happy with just a few texts.

That night, Lilian finally answered. She didn’t acknowledge any of the texts Sarah had sent, nor did she explain why she hadn’t answered during the day. However, Sarah’s heart skipped a beat as she read the texts.

“We need to talk, in person.

Tomorrow at 6pm”

Was all there was to the texts. No more information, not even an apology for ignoring her texts. Sarah didn't know if she should feel scared or excited, but one thing was clear to her, she couldn't wait until the next day arrived, she needed to know what Lilian wanted to talk about.

Sleep did not come easily to her that night. Her mind was filled with thoughts of Lilian and of what she wanted to tell her. As she laid in bed, she created different scenarios of how the talk would go. In some of them, Lilian confessed her love for her, and everything would go smoothly, they would start dating and they would be happy. However, she also thought of the opposite, of Lilian telling her she didn’t want to see her anymore, that they would never talk again. She thought of Lilian walking away without letting her talk. Of how she would breakdown if Lilian told her to never talk to her again.

Waking up was difficult. Her eyes seemed to close on their own accord, she was feeling sluggish and she couldn’t quite process her own thoughts. She wanted to go back to sleep, but as much as she tried to fall asleep, she couldn’t. She ended up giving up on sleep and just tried to occupy her mind with something else. When the time finally came, she left her home and went to the place where they always met. The same place they had seen each other for the first time that rainy night. She could feel the anxiety piling in her body, her hands were sweaty, and she was trembling slightly. She forced herself to breathe deeply, to relax her mind, to stop thinking about what was going to happen, but she couldn’t get rid of the feeling that stayed in the back of her mind. When she got there, she saw that Lilian was already waiting for her, as beautiful as always, looking like the angel she was.

“Hi” Whispered Sarah, her voice getting stuck in her throat as she looked at Lilian’s hard expression.

"Hi." Said Lilian, her voice harsh and distant.

“I…”

"Don't say anything only listen to me "Interrupted Lilian before she could say anything. She looked away for a second as if looking for answers somewhere far away. "I don't want you to talk to me again." Her voice cracked a little at the end of the sentence. However, her expression was resolute.

“What?” Sarah could barely find her voice. Of all the things she thought that could happen, this was the one she didn’t want to be real. She didn’t want to lose her.

“Don’t talk to me ever again” As Lilian repeated the sentence, she looked away. She couldn’t deal with Sarah’s broken expression, with the tears that had started to roll down her cheeks.

"Why?" Sarah's voice was choked, broken. Tears fell down her eyes freely, but she did not dare to make a sound.

"Because I don't want to," Lilian said, trying to keep her voice harsh as it had been at the beginning. She hugged herself, looking away. She felt bad, but she had to do this.

"Do you truly hate me so much?" Asked Sarah, all the insecurities she had been feeling last night creeping into her voice.

“What?! No!” Exclaimed Lilian, looking back at her with her eyes wide open.

“Then why?! I don’t get it?!” Sarah could barely keep herself from screaming “Explain it to me. If you want to get away from me that badly, make me understand why!”

“I…” Lilian looked away, closing her eyes as she took a deep breath. How was she meant to explain it?

“Look at me when you talk” Sarah demanded “Is this because of what my friend said the other day? All because she said we looked like a couple?”

“It’s not that” Lilian started to feel the anger burning in her body. Why couldn’t Sarah just accept things? Why was she so stubborn about this?

“Then what it is?!” She screamed, throwing her hands to the sides.

“I’m dying!” Lilian exploded. She couldn’t keep it in anymore, not with Sarah making those expressions. Not when that stubborn woman was begging for an answer. All the emotions exploded in those two words that she thought she would never say. Those words that as soon as they were out, she regretted them.

“What?” All the anger, all the powerlessness, suddenly washed away and a great sadness overcame her. Lilian on her part looked like a dear in headlights. Frozen in place as her thoughts raced. “I…” Sarah didn’t know what to say. Of all the things she had been expecting to happen, this had not even crossed her mind for a second.

They looked at the other, each lost in their own thoughts, searching for a way to react, something to say, something to do. Lilian was the first to react, finally getting out of her frozen state she did not say a word. Instead, she turned around and started running. She wanted to run as far away as possible. She didn’t want to know what Sarah would say, she didn’t want to deal with it anymore. She just wanted to go away and forget about everything, just like she had done before.

Sarah took a few seconds to react, but once she processed the fact that Lilian was running away, she immediately went after her. She didn’t want to leave things like this, not again. She wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. Now as Sarah ran after her friend, she understood that there was nothing in this world she wouldn’t do to keep Lilian by her side. Lilian had become one of the most important things in her life. She didn’t want to lose her, even if she had to do the impossible to help her. Her legs burned as she ran, but there was nothing that would stop her from reaching Lilian.

Almost tripping over her own feet, Sarah reached out for Lilian hugging her close to her chest as their chase finally ended. Lilian trembled in her arms as both struggled to breathe. For a moment, they stayed quiet, simply enjoying the warmth the other provided as they tried to order their thoughts.

"Sarah" Lilian whispered, still struggling to breathe properly and hiding her face in Sarah's chest, grabbing tightly her clothes between her hand in hopes to keep herself grounded. "Let me go. It's for the best" She struggled to say the words, her voice low and broken betraying her true thoughts.

"No," Sarah said firmly "I won't lose you, not like this."

“Sarah, please” She begged as tears started to fall down her cheeks. “I can’t…”

“Lilian” Sarah let her voice fall into a whisper, soft and sweet. “Even if our days together are limited, please don’t run away from me.” They looked at each other. Softly, Sarah caressed Lilian’s cheek. “I love you and I would do anything you asked of me if you’ll let me stay by your side.”

"I can't hurt you like this when I'm gone…" Lilian hid her face once again, unable to face her.

“Let me be selfish this once, allow me to give you my all until our last day together.”

 “What will you do then, once I have to go?”

“I’ll figure it out when the time comes” Sarah smiled softly “For now let’s not think of that.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Lilian, there’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do to be able to stay by your side, even if I had to give my soul to borrow some time to be together, I would do it without a doubt in my mind. Losing my soul would be but a small price to pay.”